Liberate your Struggles Page 9

  After a couple of weeks of emotional and physical suffering, the time finally came for the two of us to be released and the suffering to surrender to happiness. We were finally free to go home to our big sister who was waiting impatiently for the two of us.

  It was time for me to accept this little creature without any reservations and time to put an end to all of our suffering. It was evident that God was going to give us more pain and more suffering and taught us life the hard way if we did not accept the gifts that he was offering.

  This baby was sent to me as a special gift, and at times I was refusing it, so God made us both suffer until we realised that keeping healthy and being faithful to each other was the best thing we could do and that our sufferings would continue until we surrender to the family. We all have to learn to trust God, even if we do not understand his plan.

  The other thing I’ve learned is that we should always listen to our hearts, not to everybody else. Otherwise, we will continue to suffer as we have an emotional reaction to everything that is said to us. Real power is in sitting back and observing things with logic. True power is resistant. If words control you, that means everything else can control you.

  Breathe and allow the thing to pass. If I had continued on with my anger towards my husband, I would not have been able to hold on and raise my little one to be a charming, beautiful young lady. My marriage was like torture for a long period of time, and it ended with a nasty divorce, but each one of the hard days I would look at my girls, hug them, and thank God to have chosen me to be their mother.

  As for my husband, he was always cold to the girls during our twenty years of marriage. I never saw him showing affection to them. Not even once had I seen him worrying when they had a temperature. He would spend most of his earnings on alcohol and gambling. His only time with the family would be the BBQ that he used to make very often, which we all really enjoyed. Looking back now from this perspective, my dolls loved that just because of the need to be loved by their father. It’s the same thing that I was doing, surrounding myself and giving up my education, hobbies, and social life just to try to make things with the marriage work.

  Life has taught me the hard way to let the moment pass before speaking. All the storms will pass through our lives, but we need to find a shelter made out of love and fight for it. All of us need to form that special bond with the new generation and learn how to nurture and love them.

  The bird is nothing without it is a nest, and raising kids was my choice. I gave up things and went without them. I regret nothing. Never regret anything in life. What’s meant to be will always be, and we all learn to not make the same mistakes again after these experiences.

  My life was and will always be for my children, no matter how big they get. They did not ruin my life but gave me a whole new view of the meaning of life. There is nothing in this world that can break the bond of love between a mother and her children.

  “If you want light to come into your life,

  you need to stand where it is shining.”

  ~ Guy Finley

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  A PENNSYLVANIA SUMMER DAY

  By Andrea Daylor

  It was a warm summer day in Pennsylvania. With every patio stone I skipped on, I would look up towards the sun and notice something: the sun was following me. The warmth covered my skin like a blanket, and I knew without a doubt that the sun wasn’t ever going to stop following me. Many years later, I still look up to the skies to feel reassured that the sun is still following me. So much life has happened, the ups and downs, the wins the losses, and all the hundreds of lessons. And through it all, the sun still comes up every morning.

  Life was pretty easy for me during my childhood. It wasn’t until I had my first heartbreak in college that I realized the sun wasn’t quite enough to bring the comfort it brought me when I was a little girl in my sundress, dancing on the patio out back. When I reached my twenties, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It didn’t make sense to me. I was always the strong one, the funny one, the smart one. I had it all, or at least I thought I did. How could I be depressed?

  I was now entering my thirties with the grand title of being a divorced single parent. I felt like I was Ross, from the TV show Friends! I had married my best friend right out of college. He was the kindest, funniest, most caring man I had ever met. He was the guy that made laugh so hard I couldn’t breathe. He and his friends used to “shake the floors” of our old high school building. There’s something about a nun bouncing right in front of you that will make you laugh until you literally can’t catch your breath!

  Jay had the same warmth as the sun. He was a best friend that held a candle to my dad, my hero. I adored him and everything about him. Jay moved with me to Florida from our hometown of Harrisburg, Pennsylvania to follow my snowbird parents and career at the time. Several years later, we were pregnant with our first child. Sadly, soon after, we realized we had grown apart. Even with the amount of love we had for one another and our baby boy, Bryce Kevin Baker, we decided it was best after five years of marriage to divorce and raise our son as friends. I lost my best friend, my hero, and my greatest asset. Life started to really show me how difficult it could be. Since then, Jay has found his true soulmate and she too has that warmth like the sun. They just make your heart full. It has been such a blessing watching Bryce grow into such a fine young man with them sharing being his parents. Just because you get divorced or change a relationship doesn’t mean you can’t be friends and be on the same team (especially for your child).

  I knew after my divorce that I had to find someone to help me navigate these category five hurricanes that were swirling in my heart. I found her. She was a licensed mental health counselor in Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida. Little did I know at the time that this woman would be a great teacher of wisdom, faith, and healing. It was during a session discussing the grief of my divorce when God forced those words out of my mouth. I blurted something out that would never be undone. I hadn’t planned it, and I had no idea what I said after I heard my own words. “I was sexually abused” came out of my very own lips. I was more taken back than my therapist was. I began vividly recalling being abused at a grocery store by a complete stranger when I was about six years old. This was the 1970s, so you never heard about children being abused or abducted. It happened…to me.

  The Perfect Family and The Perfect World

  My parents always had my four siblings and me dressed from head to toe without a hair out of place. We were the picture-perfect family, and I was surrounded by love, security, and clothed in outfits that always matched my three older brothers and younger sister. We laugh now at the endless pictures of matching plaid get-ups and Mary Jane shoes. This day of recollection though shattered my innocent childhood. I remember that day clearly. I had on a white lace halter top with pink ruffly shorts as I went along with my mom to the grocery store. I had decided in my stubborn little head that I was not about to go into the frozen section to freeze while my mom took forever to pick her perfect produce. So, I independently sat in the book section reading whatever interested me. I had no idea that evil was about to interrupt me.

  An elderly man wearing dirty pants and a bright orange hunting jacket limped over to me and asked me to help him. I recall obliging reluctantly, knowing deep inside that something was wrong. Several minutes passed with him taking me wherever he could be alone with me in the store. He touched me everywhere, and I was changed forever. My perfect world with the sunshine always following me was stolen from me. There were terrible things in this world. It wasn’t perfect anymore.

  My heart raced and I couldn’t think clearly. After about ten minutes, this man was brave enough to try to take me out of the store. (I have three older brothers that involuntarily taught me some serious wrestling moves)! I twisted my arm quickly and freed myself of his death grip on my wrist. I ran to my mom and told her what had happened. A kind man in the same aisle screamed for help. That bad man was never found, at least
not by us. I forgave him, though.

  A few years later, into my seemingly perfect childhood from a big, close, Italian Irish Catholic family, I was violated again. How could this happen twice? My brother’s “friend” sexually abused me in the safety of my own home. My parents were upstairs, making sure everyone had breakfast, planning a fun Saturday. Meanwhile downstairs, the world showed me that evil still exists. What was I doing wrong? Why did I deserve this? How can bad things happen to good people? Again, my heart forgave. Instinct or fear, you don’t tell anyone. You feel like its your fault and that you are dirty.

  Motherhood

  Joy definitely entered my life with motherhood. But now, I had a divorce to heal from, as well as these horrible memories that were now surfacing. I had no idea why all of this was happening. Life seemed perfect before. I had the perfect son, the perfect career, the perfect family, and now I am divorced with dark secrets from my past. Who would want to hurt an innocent little girl? And why? And who has time to clean up messes from the past while trying to be a good parent and survive the hustle and bustle of today? Things just weren’t making sense to me, so I worked extra hard at controlling my environment to be as perfect as can be. I had a great career and had the great income, I kept the house immaculate, kept in shape and made sure to always have fun with my pride and joy, Bryce and family. Brycey made my world complete. Life looked good on the outside. Inside I was hurt, and I was covering it up with all the things that money and looks could buy. It caught up with me, though. There was no more running from the abuse, my depression and anxiety, or the many mistakes I made. I was in pain.

  Along came my forties. Hello, second divorce, and now single mother of two sons. Rowan Michael joined Bryce Kevin, and I knew I was the happiest mommy on the planet. Rowan brought even more joy to my heart. Even though we didn’t have the fairytale family with the white picket fence like I planned my whole life, I was happy. There is absolutely nothing I love more than my sons, other than God. Being a single parent, though definitely came with struggles. During this trying time, I learned gratitude. I remember watching families that had their daddies with them, but I knew to look past that and soak in the beauty of nature. It always seemed to be a sunset that captivated me and forced me to breathe in the pink atmosphere with tons of gratitude. Even though my favorite star was leaving me for a bit, I learned to appreciate it while it was there.

  The past kept getting in my head. I went to Bible studies, to confession and I finally told my parents of my incidences of sexual abuse as a child…I did everything I was supposed to do to right my wrongs. Why was I still hurting? Why did the tears come every time I wasn’t with my sons or even when they fell asleep? I used to always pray with them and kiss them when I’d tuck them in and just watch them drift off to sleep. My heart would get heavy from letting go of another blessed day with them… even when they tried my last nerve! I wanted to give them the perfect world.

  Why wasn’t I able to keep either marriage together? I asked God what I was doing wrong and how to fix it. I had no one else to ask now, so I asked God. I admit, He was my last resort. And boy did He answer. One of my favorite verses is Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” God was whispering to me to be strong. Sometimes He had to raise His voice so I would listen! I’m positive now that He planned it that way to get through my thick head! I started attending the Catholic church regularly and heeding every word out of the priests’ mouths.

  My parents always took us to church growing up. It was a way of life for me. I stopped going through the motions though and really listened to the messages. Bryce and I used to take our elderly neighbor with Alzheimer’s to church with us. It just felt right, and it brought all of us joy. I became part of a Bible study with Father Kelly from St. Paul’s at the beach. I got to sit and talk to this amazing and holy man about what the Bible meant. Even though I learned it all of my life, I wasn’t ready to absorb it and live it as I did at this time. Huge difference. I was starting to really receive the Lord, clarity, and love for myself.

  Things began to happen that I couldn’t make Earthly sense of at the time. Even though life was sucker punching me, there were still these beautiful moments that stole my attention away from how hard life was getting. It was 2015 and I was newly separated from the love of my life with three sons now. Michael Nickas swept me off my feet, even though I tried to make sure he wouldn’t. I first fell for his dad, who was the wittiest patient I’d ever had. I was a Regional Director of Rehabilitation, managing several therapy departments in different facilities throughout Northeast Florida. There was one facility that I frequented often as it was near my home. It also was the home of my favorite patient, Mr. Nickas. This Mr. Nickas had me wrapped around his finger and he knew it. He and I had our very own special relationship before I even met his family. One day he introduced me to this handsome man who happened to be his son! He said to his son, Michael, with the cutest Southern draw, “Michael, I want you to meet Andrea (even pronouncing my name the proper Italian way). “Isn’t she beautiful? She’s done gone through two husbands. This girl is trouble!” Great. So now, every time I saw Michael entering the facility, I would either hide or leave! I was too embarrassed and weak in the knees to face him! Two years later, I was engaged to Michael and giving birth to the most beautiful little boy, Anthony Michael Christopher Nickas. He entered the world in July of 2014, a year, precisely to the day, that his one of a kind grandfather left us.

  Michael and I call Anthony our miracle. Anthony keeps Michael and I focused on what really matters. We continue to learn from our miracle. I gave birth to Anthony at 43 years of age. Michael and I wanted a child and prayed for God’s will to be done. He was truly a gift and we knew it. My sons are my purpose as is serving others. Know your purpose. If you aren’t sure what it is, be still and let the answer come to you. What makes you happy to be alive?

  One day when Anthony was a baby, I drove home from work wishing that I could buy Anthony a water table that night…. yes, that night. I wanted it for my son’s first birthday and had to have it. I cried during my late drive home that night, knowing that I couldn’t get that present, nor would I be seeing Anthony on his first birthday. He was across the country, traveling with his father while I worked a rigorous management job. As I turned onto my neighborhood, a water table (in excellent condition) was sitting in the street next to a trash can. That table made it to my backyard! It and gave my sons and me hours of fun, splashing and relief on summer days in Florida. It may not seem like much to you, but how does the exact gift literally appear in your path minutes after you prayed for it? It came with such a gut feeling of being blessed that I can’t capture the words to describe it.

  I’ll share another favorite God moment story with you. One day in Pennsylvania, my mother and I were visiting my grandfather, Pasquale Venturini, who passed away on May 22, 1989, the worst day of my life. He was my all-time favorite person. Whenever I go to the cemetery, I just talk away because I know they can hear me. This day, I was talking to him standing by the wall he was buried in and asked him to please send me money to go to 3B’s so I can get ice cream. As my mom (my grandfather’s daughter) and I were walking to her car, a 20-dollar bill danced in the wind across my feet. That would be a scoop of mint chocolate chip and a scoop of chocolate peanut butter ice cream for me! The sun halted above as I bent over to pick up the money. Thank you, grandpop. Even with him in Heaven, or should I say, especially with him in Heaven, I feel his love!

  It was moments like those that started to add up. They usually came during pain and heartbreak, but they were part of this beautiful journey. Love became so real and resilient. We throw the word “love” around a lot. There is only one kind of love people. It is CORINTHIANS LOVE. “Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” Read that again.
Seriously. How often do we get angered? How often do we boast? Nothing saddens me more than seeing people worship material things or work that is self-serving. If the payoff is material, is it really serving others? Do they not recognize time with their child or loved ones is so much more than a high-priced possession? It makes me feel empathy those around them that aren’t being cherished the way God intended. It is great to want a vast territory and substantial income but is it your idol? Is it stealing who God meant you to be, including the parent you committed to being? Are their things that are distracting you from your children or purpose? I always think of Mother Theresa. She truly gave without her hand out. In my past, I climbed the corporate ladder and got the large paychecks, but I wasn’t in alignment, even though we as therapists are helping others. It took my time and focus from my children. I could buy them things, but they didn’t replace me. I have always said, “Bigger houses, bigger trash cans.” I wanted to be home while I could and make messes with my kids. I wanted to be able to help my college student with a philosophy paper while creating the perfect dinner for my 13-year-old food critic and dance to Disney music with my toddler. And yes, all at the same time!! Time is too limited and so precious. I choose now to make time to dance whenever we can and wherever we can. When I see my sons dancing in public, I know I did something right! Be the person God intended you to be, not the person that human nature makes you think you need to be loved, Corinthians loved. You will be judged. We are only human and see what we want to see in others. My pastor, Spike Hogan preached to us to not fall into the gap between what you expect and what you receive. Fill that space with hope, faith and love instead of disappointment. It makes all the sense in the world! I have learned to be quick to forgive. I still shoot straight from the hip and will defend my territory but with a much more forgiving and loving heart..