Liberate your Struggles Read online

  However, a bigger stage with more significant influence is what I craved most. Not a small percentage of time was dedicated to this cause in between chasing numbers and completing a seemingly endless list of tasks. I’m talking about full-time, “all in” dedication to changing the world!

  I knew it – I knew it – I knew I was created to do more than complete tasks. I knew God would hear my prayers: “Please help me become the person you designed me to be.” I realized that the power of prayer is real but must also be combined with additional effort and action.

  We chase the endless list of tasks. We collect a staggering number of work hours. We wear these hours like a badge of honor in an insane contest until this lifestyle becomes our identity. We are rewarded for demonstrating this ideology. I was no different and was on a path toward a life incongruent with my values. But then a funny thing happened that didn’t seem so funny at the time.

  Awakening

  Demoted?

  What do you mean—demoted? I’ve been breaking my face; numbers are good, and this is the reward?

  Things usually happen for a reason, but we often can’t recognize this perspective during the experience. Based on my state of bitterness, I couldn’t understand the greatness that was about to happen.

  Shortly after my new assignment with reduced responsibilities, I remember participating in a conference call. I can’t recall the topic, but I do remember someone chiming in with “We’ve got to coach our employees” during the session. Now, anyone who’s ever experienced conference calls in the corporate world can probably understand why I rolled my eyes with disgust upon hearing this declaration.

  These types of vague statements seemed to surface hundreds of times throughout the week during the overwhelming number of conference calls and meetings. But this one struck me differently while I was existing in a dark space. I thought to myself, “I’ll show them. They want employees to be coached—I’ll become a certified professional coach!” So, my quest to become a certified professional coach began.

  While doing my research and examining my options, I was pleased with the thought of the entire organization profusely apologizing to me for the demotion. I was sure there would be some type of parade in my honor for achieving this level of coaching expertise. Visions of formal recognition, promotions, and acknowledgment danced in my head!

  Sidebar: In a shocking development, none of that stuff happened.

  Something much better took place (although a parade in my honor would have been very cool). While investing in the process of earning a professional coaching certification, with an I’ll-show-them attitude, a discovery came to light. This didn’t have anything to do with anyone else except yours truly. It wasn’t about my boss, my company, the weather, the economy…. It was all about me!

  It’s never what happens to you; it’s always what you do about it.

  For decades, I’ve taken things personally. I used this approach as a method to push and drive myself while believing the illusion that it was leadership, success, and happiness. Reflecting on my journey, it’s obvious that I allowed people to push my buttons.

  No one can push your buttons if you don’t have any buttons. Think about that for a moment and ask yourself, “Why would I give anyone the power to control me?” By allowing your buttons to be pushed, that’s precisely what you’re doing.

  Hundreds of years ago, I was an athlete and remembered the importance of not getting too high or too low while competing. It was imperative to avoid letting the media push your buttons by focusing on their positive or negative interpretations. One day you’re perceived as awesome, and the next day your shortcomings are highlighted. This lesson applies to life off the court too. Don’t listen to any of the positive or negative noise. Keep pushing toward perfection. Refuse to permit outside elements to control the way you show up. Always push and drive without giving anyone the power to control your emotions. You’re the one with power and greatness. Remind yourself that anyone who attempts to demotivate you is irrelevant.

  Why

  If no one were paying you money and no one was paying you attention, what would you do? This is a question that often helps us understand our Why. Tragically, our Why is often overlooked while we’re too busy chasing someone else’s version of success.

  A good friend of mine told a story of how her parents tried to create a Why and a version of success for her: “You’re either a doctor, a lawyer, or a disappointment.”

  This guidance came with great intentions. However, happiness and success are personal definitions that we must create and pursue individually. There are plenty of doctors and lawyers out there that should theoretically be happy based on what others think, but their careers are incongruent with their passions, and their Whys.

  One aspect of my success definition is serving others and driving as much positive change as is humanly possible. Like many people, success for me includes making my family proud while inspiring them.

  However, and despite excellent intentions, we need to be aware of the law of unintended consequences. In other words, not taking any risks can be too risky! Preaching the endless possibilities to family and emphasizing the importance of betting on yourself sounds good, but not living this advice can be perceived as hypocritical and disingenuous.

  Despite what the world may tell you and regardless of how you’ve been programmed to believe this is a success, seek your own definition of triumph. More times than not, we’re convinced by external sources to be satisfied or disappointed without intrinsically identifying what success and happiness look like to each of us.

  So, after many years invested with two companies and several relocations all over the country, that little voice of doubt whispered (or yelled) to me. You’re too old to make a change, play it safe, hang in there.

  If you don’t know what you want, you don’t want what you have. Sometimes understanding the things we don’t want helps us determine our next best move. In my case, it was clear that going through the motions and counting the time until the earliest possible retirement was precisely what I didn’t want. My Corporate America life was my Anti-Why.

  The Decision

  Surprisingly, my decision wasn’t nearly as publicized as when Lebron James announced his plan to leave the Cleveland Cavaliers to join the Miami Heat. But this was a big deal for me. I had a family. I wasn’t 22 years old; I had two kids in college and lots of responsibilities. But over the years, addressing the things that went bump in the middle of the night had created an elevated level of irritation. Was it realistic to believe that those 24/7 issues would stop happening? Of course not. This is the way it would be unless I acted. Despite my resistance to taking ownership for not living in alignment with my values, it became increasingly evident that I needed to make a change. It was now or never.

  When you’re faced with a decision, understand that there will always be reasons to not bet on yourself if you look hard enough. You will need to overcome the unknown and have faith while believing in yourself. Ironically, betting on yourself is a sure thing.

  The pain of regret exceeds the discomfort of stumbling, scraping your knee, rising, falling, and rising again. And each time you fall and get up, your strength is increased and prepares you for the next challenge.

  You only live once – but if you do it right, once is enough!

  Lessons Learned

  Throughout my continuous journey of finding myself, healing and developing, several lessons were learned, and inspiration was delivered from many sources, including the following:

  •Two mindsets work against us:

  A victim mentality – Thoughts of worry, anxiety, guilt. Poor me – there’s nothing I can do about my situation. What CAN you do? People pray for what we complain about.

  An anger or fear-based mentality – Thoughts of blame, antagonism and resentment. If it’s always someone else, it just might be you. People who appear angry are usually scared. So, the question becomes, What scares you? Think hard and keep
an open mind. Is there anything that you did that contributed to the situation? It’s okay to be down. You don’t have to take a positive thinking approach with a turn-that-frown-upside-down attitude. But initiating a positive psychology game plan could move you to a more productive mindset.

  “This sucks!”

  “I’m so frustrated.”

  Process.

  Acknowledge.

  Give yourself permission to be upset.

  Then move into the Now what? stage ASAP.

  We all experience these destructive mindsets. You may be completely justified to have this thought process—it’s perfectly okay—just not okay if you live there accepting this mindset without acting. And remember this: energy seeks like energy. If you operate in either of these two mindsets, that’s what you’ll attract, which creates a self-fulfilling prophecy/travesty.

  •I doubt it.

  Doubt is part of the process. If there’s no doubt, then you’re probably not dreaming big enough. Embrace this concept while understanding that, if you’ve put yourself in a position to compete, you’ve already won. Overcoming the doubt that we all have takes courage. Getting in the game and fighting is half the battle. The people who sit in the cheap seats and criticize others are the same people without the courage to compete.

  “The Man in the Arena” speech was delivered by Teddy Roosevelt to an audience in 1910 and is still applicable:

  “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

  Additional thoughts connected to overcoming doubt to bet on yourself:

  “And you ask, ‘what if I fall?’ Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?”

  ~Erin Hanson

  Steve Harvey wrote a fantastic article titled “You’ve Got to Jump to Be Successful.” Check it out here: https://medium.com/@SteveHarvey/you-ve-got-to-jump-to-be-successful-538cb7ecf6c1

  •It’s never too late.

  Today is the youngest you will ever be for the rest of your life. As you reflect on the different points in your life, you might wish you could have a do-over. You might wish you would have acted differently, wish you would have created that habit or implemented that routine. Today is your do-over. The more time you spend living in regret, the less time you spend being present and moving toward today’s vision and your inevitable greatness.

  Let that stuff go and start making plays!

  •Face your Gremlins.

  Beware of your Gremlin! The Gremlin is that irritating voice in the back of your head trying to convince you that you’re not good enough: Don’t take any chances. Play it safe.

  To squash that Gremlin, ask yourself, What’s the worst thing that could happen?

  The very worst thing that can happen is often much better than failing to act, neglecting to live your life consistent with your vision. Living with regret (I could have, would have, should have). We regret the things we didn’t do—didn’t even try—as opposed to the chances we took, even if we stumbled along the way.

  You were designed to do great things, but you must believe and bet on you!

  •Perspective

  We have control over our thoughts and must choose wisely. This is exceptionally important since thoughts create feelings or emotions. Feelings and emotions lead to actions or results. Thinking positive, creative ideas of gratitude generate the results that serve you. Change the way you think, and you will change your life. You create your own reality based on the thoughts that you think.

  Exhibit A:

  Once upon a time, there were three bricklayers.

  When asked, “What are you doing?” the first bricklayer replied, “I’m laying bricks.”

  The second bricklayer was asked the same question. He answered, “I’m putting up a wall.”

  The third bricklayer, when asked the same question, responded, with pride in his voice, “I’m building a cathedral.”

  •The room you’re in

  If you’re the smartest, most positive, most talented person in the room, you need to find another room. Get to a place where you’re fighting like crazy to keep up with the greatness in that space. Make sure you support everyone without judgment and only select rooms that contain people interested in elevating your greatness.

  Think about how it physically feels when you’re surrounded by negative people. Now recall a time when you were among people with positive and optimistic energy. The difference can be dramatic. Most people feel physically sick in the negative room but energetic and inspired in the positive room. The first three letters of the word optimism indicate that we have a choice to view our world a certain way. You also have the power to select those who will be in your room. The final choice involves how you will manage negativity that sneaks into your room.

  “Surround yourself with the dreamers, and the doers, the believers, and thinkers, but most of all, surround yourself with those who see the greatness within you, even when you don’t see it yourself.”

  ~Edmund Lee

  •Things happen for a reason.

  The more I reflect on my journey toward healing, finding myself, and my experience in Corporate America, the more gratitude I manifest. This is not a woe-is-me tale but one of realization that there is more to achieve. There’s so much more out there for all of us. My experience enabled me to receive a powerful perspective and an understanding that many people—perhaps most people—have been conditioned to chase things that contradict their values. They pursue positions and titles because that’s what they’re supposed to do. They are under the false impression that when this is achieved, happiness and success will follow. There are quite a few people out there struggling. And the pain permeates into all aspects of life.

  “A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation

  with the bricks others have thrown at him.”

  ~David Brinkley

  •Not personal or professional – both!

  I cringe when recalling the message I preached to groups of employees over the years. I can hear myself saying, “You’ve got to leave that personal stuff at home when you come to work.” Easier said than done. The reality is that what we think, the way we show up, integrates with our personal and professional lives. Imagine how much more powerful my message could have been if I had provided the team with a process for thinking differently, promoting positive affirmations and a championship mindset. Imagine how much better they could perform at work while being a better father, wife, husband, mother, son, daughter, etc. We each create a ripple effect daily. A positive ripple can change lives, families, organizations, and communities. Regardless of your definition, personal and professional success feeds off one another. The notion that you can genuinely be successful personally while suffering professionally (and vice versa) is inaccurate.

  We are more afraid of success (and often sabotage ourselves) than we are of failure. The following passage by Marianne Williamson emphasizes the need to live big for us and the people who surround us:

  “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant
to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

  So, here’s the end game: there is no end game! Keep growing every single day while enjoying the journey. Taking a leap of faith has enabled me to be involved with several projects I’m passionate about, including: being featured in a movie; contributing to this book; accepting speaking engagements and executive coaching opportunities; working with organizational development projects for major corporations and municipalities; and becoming an NBA, WNBA, and FIBA Certified Player Agent.

  Please don’t misinterpret my message as a look-at-me testimony. I’m communicating with extreme gratitude and want to express the urgency for you to live your best life, to become your best version of You—impacting as many lives as possible during your dash. It’s not someday; it’s NOW. It’s not operating with scarcity but expecting and believing in abundance. In the words of Sade and her song “By My Side,” “You are so much better than you know.”

  “Sometimes it takes the worst pain

  to bring about the best change.”

  ~ Unknown

  CHAPTER FOUR

  INTEGRATION OF THE SELF

  By Erin Levee

  What are the integrating forces in your life?

  What are the disintegrating forces?

  We are all born with struggles that we cannot possibly imagine, and yet somehow, we must make peace with them. We grow up with different levels of privilege and understanding and are thrown various amounts of trauma that we need to receive and to integrate. For many, it is the intensity of their mother’s or father’s ‘pain body’ as Eckhart Tolle1 puts it, that leads to a painful childhood. For some, this is subconsciously carried through life in a way that will emerge again in adulthood, especially when parenting children of their own. For others, the pain is too great to sit dormant and the journey towards resolving suffering starts from a young age.